Tonight, Felix fails at Paint, Atrotos flies over a pond, and I eat an advent calendar...
'Tis the season to be jolly! With Chaos Legions rumours flying around like atoms on speed, I decided that I would invade Atrotos' Rules Rant series this week with a perennial classic. The little black dress of rants, if you will. Spawn.
Let's start with the basics. With a top speed of 24ipt, and the Beast category, this should fall into the category of a muscle car. GW clearly think this too, as they have given it the normal muscle car treatment, but up to eleven. "Your muscle car corners like a jelly! Pah! Ours is completely out of control!" shouted Gavvio Thorpatore, its deranged creator, as he added to the Spawn a complete lack of handling. No, really. You can't steer this thing any more than you can steer a large rhino. It just blindly charges.
This would be fine if the bodywork was up to scratch, but Gavvio thought of that too. Sure, it's held up by T5 suspension and has 3 seats for wounds, but you'd get more protection from a mankini. What's worse is that, since the Spawn's release, more and more units have gained Poison. Sternguard, Deathmarks, the entire Dark Eldar race, it all adds up to dead Spawn. And because of Rage Steering, you have no hope of getting it out of the line of fire.
Even supposing it does get into combat, what's it going to do? It has random attacks that have neither poison nor save-ignoring powers. Yes, it wounds Guardsman on a 2+. So what? Fling it into power armour, and it's gone. Saying that your combat unit has the ability to defeat Guardsman is like saying your beautiful girlfriend has one eye and more of a beak than a nose. It's not what you're advertising it as. And when it does lose combat, it's Fearless. So it has no choice but to take more wounds, that it can't save. Wonderful.
Now tell me Gavvio, how many thousands of pounds will I have to spend to own this monster? Wow, only 45,000! I'll ignore the fact that for 5,000 more pounds I could have the Spyder, an awesome Necron convertible (oh God, that's a bad pun). You know, the Monster with a 3+ save and S and T6. The costing of the Spawn doesn't even make sense compared to the Carnifex, and you really can't get any lower that.
The Spawn goes in Fast Attack, but doesn't use up a slot. That's because it's not very fast, and it can't attack. It can't even go up stairs. At least the Daleks got rayguns to make up for that...